Kickoff written by 2behonest

i guess for the attention

my thoughts at 11:47pm

today i asked myself, why i am acting like i always do. things like making drama or overreacting. the first time i asked myself this question were months ago and i guess today i found the answer.
its midnight and i am thinking about my friends and how my relation to them ended.

i've always had a really good relationship with all of them. everybody talked to me and i saw that i was important to them. i dont really know when but one day i started realizing that maybe everything has changed without me noticing it.
i saw that i wasnt the good friend anymore but a good friend. there is a big difference between them. i used to get asked to go out or they asked me for advices and some things like that and now?
sometimes i have the feeling, i'm not even existing in their world. i'm just the girl who is there because i used to. they are used to have me around them but not because they really care if i'm there or not.
i've never realized that, and i still
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dont know how it became that way.
funny is, i started drinking, but like a lot. not to have fun, but to be drunk. at this moment, i didnt even know why i wanted to be drunk or whatever. but now its because i wanted their attention. while being drunk, taking drugs, they care for me. everytime i was f*cked up, they cared for me. even if it was for a second but i know they did.
later, i was the usual friend again. so i thought, let's do it again. lets take medicaments, drink alcohol or take whatever you have, just to be the funny girl again, the funny girl everybody liked.
i'm playing a role. and i think at this point, i've lost myself and started believing that this person could really be me.
i disappointed everybody while doing all those silly things. at least they thought about me...
i got their attention.

its not even that i dont get enough attention at home or something. i just dont get the attention i need.
for example:
the last few years, i've made special birthday
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gifts like expensive and also some handmade stuff. i saw what my friends got from all of us for their birthdays and it was always something self-made and made with love. so i started to think about what i've got for the last few years. i got gifts yeah, and i'm really grateful because they've spend time to buy me something, but i've never really got something personal or emotional or even something handmade. they didnt even come to my birthday.
i know gifts aren't important but those presents are enough for me to realize that i'm not as important to them than they are for me. and that shit hurts.

i dont feel special anymore and i guess thats why i take/took drugs. with them i forgot about how alone i really am. i had a deep talk
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with one of them and we kind of were honest to each other. she told me things she never has told someone else. and that was kind of a special moment for me. i saw that she trust me and that i was kind of important in her life.
but the day after she didnt even say hi to me. like she didnt do it on purpose but thats exactly what makes me sad.
they all dont do it on purpose, they just forget about it, about me.
and believe me. everytime i got rejected or forgotten or not appreciated, i kind of lost myself.
i know one year by now, i will be forgotten but its okay, because maybe by then, i have friends who accept me as i am and know that i am not just A good friend.

the only thing i wanted was their attention and look where i am now.
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