from bad to good?

I kind of want to change my life. how? We'll see..

Last year, I wanted to find myself, I wanted to know who I was and that stuff. Meanwhile I left one of my best friends. At that time I didn't know he was my best friend. I thought he had enough friends like it wouldn't matter if I leave him or not. Now, one year later, we are back together like he is my best friend and I am his. I know I hurt him a lot when I decided to ignore him and not to tell him why I actually broke off the friendship. Now, I see that he's afraid that I'll leave him again. I won't but I have to accept that he can't trust me the same way he did last year. I don't blame him for that but it kind of breaks my heart because he means so much to me. I want him to know how much I really love him but every time I'm telling him I see that he thinks I'm lying. I literally have issues to show my feelings to anybody. I'm afraid

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to open myself up to people, especially friends and family. So when I'm telling him that I love him and I appreciate him, it's kind of hard for me and when he doesn't believe me it's so much harder.
Well at the end, I still don't know who I am. A few months ago, I started taking drugs. I've met new people with whom I started doing bad things. I've trusted them too much. My other friends didn't know about it. I had two lives and I kind of liked it. Even when I had my best friend back I couldn't stop doing these silly things.
Later he found out about it. He tried to help me but I was stubborn and didn't want to listen to him. I just wanted to find myself. So at the end I was alone, sure I had my friends but I couldn't talk to them. I've felt so fcking alone and whenever I was alone, I cried. But I tried to ignore my feelings and those of my friends. I started to like being alone and just taking my pills and enjoying the moment. It was weird there were new people in my

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life and still no-one understood me. Feeling alone is so damn hard for me.
Then I started to cut myself at places where hopefully no-one will see. I drank alcohol more than usually and later I took those pills to survive the day. I needed help, someone who cared, who gave me hugs when I needed them. I literally was dying inside and for me it didn't matter anymore. I took more pills than I should have taken. I wanted to leave everything behind me and just die.
I know it is my own fault but I really tried to change so many things about me so at the end I was worse than before. The only reason why didn't give up was actually my father and my brother. I don't know why but I have the feeling that they need me and I cant leave them alone.
I don't want to blame my friends that they weren't there for me, but I needed them and they kept doing their life and having fun. Well that's okay but a bit attention to me could have helped a lot.
People think they know how I'm feeling when I'm telling them

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I'm not doing good or something. They are pretending they understand me but they don't, they really don't. People want to be wise and that's good but sometimes they just need to shut the fuck up and don't give some unnecessary 'advices' .
To be honest, I don't really know how I'm feeling now. I'm trying to change me. In a good way. It's kind of hard to change yourself when your old friends are still there pretending nothing happened but I also can't leave them because I love them. Even if they don't like me as much as I do. For everybody, change is something negative, but in fact a change could be positive too. We all have wishes and dreams and if you want to reach your goal, keep doing your thing and do what you want to do. Don't listen to people who don't really understand what you are doing, they probably have no idea. Right now I'm changing and I still don't know if this time it's positive or negative but I'm trying and I still don't give up

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Genres:

Adventure

Drama

Mystery

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