Non relationship Love.

So I did a lot of shopping, I have not yet checked my balance, how much I invested. I walked for hours and I promised myself that I am not gonna fall in this pathetic situation again. Next day, we had a class together, after class he asked for a drink, I went there because I felt that I need to end it in person or maybe I was desperate to see him. He was there, I realized that day how much he resembled a kid. He asked me what was all the bullshit, I told my side of the story. In the end, I asked him if I could touch him for the last time, he said no. I asked the second time and he denied but I held his hands anyways and said goodbye. I don't know maybe if he had said okay that is our problem lets deal with it together I would have more courage to stay his side, but when he said that is your problem, I realized how uncertain he is about his life. I realized that he only liked my good side, not the bad side. Maybe he did not realize the difference between infatuation and love. I took my step

back from him that day. But I was totally unhappy to do that though I pretended I was happy. I deleted his number to stop contacting him and when I think now I did a good thing. Every now and then I want to see him, I feel pathetic. I could not bear this pain and I could not bear breaking up this four-year-long relationship too. I did not break up for this new guy, one-month relationship or because of this new guy. I felt that I want something different from relationship or maybe I am scared to be committed now. Everyday now and then to pass my time I care myself more than before and now while writing this, I do not regret spending time with this new guy or breaking up my four-year relationship. Because I realized that when I am smart and people see good things, they will like me, but when they see inner and darker me instantly they will leave me. I realized that I should love myself more than other people. Maybe that is why I destroyed everything for the new beginning.