how to kill ourselves and be alive

I just wanted to disappear, to be lost in nothingness. empty heart beats every morning and every night before diving into sleeping ocean. my heart aches so bad. it happens every single day, every single moment I see myself as I am. I hate myself. I hate the way I wake up not every morning, but afternoon. I hate the way I wear ugly clothes just like their owner. I hate thing I do every day. I hate that there’s nothing I can change with it. I can’t handle it. I can’t get through it. I am just dying in it. I die in my own troubles around. this same shit sucks not every morning, but afternoon. last night I cried a lot. I listened to hard rock music and cried out loud. cried for my mistakes. cried for myself. cried for my dead body which I've imagined thousand times. i have seen the faces of my parents, sister and brother seeing me dead. last week i realized that no one gives a damn of me. no one really cares what i feel, what i think and getting through emotionally. and that sucks man. everytthing

sucks. so i decided to end my idiotic life. but before i do that i have thing left to do. i need to talk to my ex best friend. unbestfriend of my life. we were friends from childhood you know? we were just like the twins. we loved each other so much, we did't care about other people and their shitty minds. we just were acting just like us. her parents loved me and mines loved her so much. we were like sisters but as the years passed everything changed between us. little me and little her were so fat and short but cute at the same time. we were children. very cute, smart and funny children. we listened to music together, hanging out, having fun, making coffee or cakes. then we grew a little and realized this was not the friendship only and we started to share our feelings and thoughts with each other. at first it was nice, we understood each other and loved the way we were together. but when we got teenagers she turned into a very beautiful girl with nice body but me.. i was still fat and